Soon it will all be over. The first three days of this week will be behind me. And then it will be Saturday again...and I can start to feel like a human rather than a robot-octopus-clarinet- machine.
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We can surf on a rocket to the Paper Moon. We could be big people looking back at the Earth. We would know all the secrets of the universe. And Everything would be brighter than sunshine*
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2 comments:
a robot octupous clarinet machine because you're practiciing on demand and have 1,00000000,000 other things to do and you have to have that many arms to make it all happen.
yeah.
well
you'll make it
you always do
with smiles too
I played in masterclass...and for the first time I went up with a smile on my face and I tried to enjoy it. I made some mistakes. And I wish I had played perfectly. But...I think that what's important is that I have improved. I even wrote a 6 page paper on Bach and his partitas for solo violin (BWV 1001-1006) because I wanted to make sure I was really prepared for anything.
I really wish those mistakes hadn't happened. But...I think next time I get up for the class I will make even fewer mistakes. And the time after that...maybe none. It's difficult. Because I can play it all the way through no mistakes. But it's a tough crowd.
What I go through physically is actually painful. My heart races, my adrenaline makes my legs shake. My lungs start to hurt. My head feels like it's going to explode. And the adrenaline goes to my fingers, my tongue, my air...everything. It's hard. My muscles tense. I get too excited. And all the same, the music comes out. But I wish my heart didn't race like that. It's like jumping out a window. You get a "rush". I wish I didn't get quite a rush. I'm going to go to a doctor and get beta blockers. I think it's at least worth a try.
But aside from that...I enjoyed masterclass tonight. Ixi gave me a great lesson. And Richie gave me some good advice on how to deal with my nerves. And I don't know Gwenn...I wish I was like clarinet Rockstar rather than a robot octupus slave. Like, some of the people in this studio are fucking rocktastic. Liek this dude, Noel, can like double tongue like a freak. If I could tongue like that I'd be fucking double tonguing everything. It was so cool and freaky. And he has a really sweet sound. He doesn't have a ton of colors but I mean...I really like to hear him play. And Merlin...Merlin is pretty awesome too. And I think everyone has something good about their playing. And sometimes I'm so self-depricating. When I hear myself play all I can hear are the bad things. And I always get onto myself about not practicing hard. Like right now...I think I could have practiced more this weekend...but I didn't even do anything else. I went to the practice rooms constantly for no less than an hour at a time. I only left to rent a movie and get some ice cream. Like...I made clarinet my business this weekend. And like the week before I was a maniac about being in the practice room when I didn't have classes. Like...Sometimes I wish I could turn that part of me off. The part of myself that says, "that sounded really bad and boring, and you could have prevented it if you had practiced instead of taking an hour for lunch". DO you know what I mean? Why can't I get rid of the microchip in my brain that keeps telling me I'm a bad person because I'm notthe greatest clarinetest like Harold Wright or freaking Marcellus?
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