Not a fan of Global Warming, huh?

A global switch to efficient lighting systems would trim the world's electricity bill by nearly one-tenth. The carbon dioxide emissions saved by such a switch would, it concludes, dwarf cuts so far achieved by adopting wind and solar power. Wow. According to Paul Waide, a senior policy analyst with the IEA and one of the report's authors, "19% of global electricity generation is taken for lighting -- that's more than is produced by hydro or nuclear stations, and about the same that's produced from natural gas." For the individual TreeHugger, the report concludes that the easiest, most obvious switch to make is from incandescent bulbs to compact fluorescent systems, and to watch out for the LED revolution, just around the lighting corner.

Info available @ http://www.treehugger.com/files/2006/06/change_a_light.php

At the rate that we are going with over 150 new coal plants in the U.S. they (Energy Information Administration) say that by 2030 CO2 emissions will be up by 43%. Everybody agrees that the weather is getting crazy. And while some people appreciate the warm weather in Cincinnati in other parts of the world it means disaster and possibly death. In Oklahoma, it isn't snowing. It's solid ice 4 inches thick. In some areas school has been canceled for over a week. Oklahoma hasn't seen this sort of weather since the ice age. An area that is seriously unprepared for this sort of weather. Salt? No. They don't do that. They do tornados. Blizzards? Not till recently. National Geographic talks about the polar ice caps melting and 4-5 hurricanes happening in odd spots all in one year. New Orleans wasn't prepared for Katrina. But in the future, even with super levies can it survive ? Who really knows? All of this is completely unpredictable. But one thing you can count on is that it isn't going to stop. It will in all likelihood get severly worse.

All the technology we have and yet not millions, but literally many billions of people live in poverty? While they starve we are to contine to emit millions of tons of CO2 and who knows whatelse in to the air, poluting the world they live in. And if you use a damn lightbulb that uses less energy you save yourself a measily $8 and you emit less carbon into the air and what of it? That's great. So you fixed one problem, but oh yea. You don't recycle. And billions of people are starving. And can you believe that George's dad died on Grey's last night?

So it's always something. And you can't fix everything. But maybe the next time you are out shopping and you need to replace your incandescent light bulbs you can at least think about the flourescent ones that save you money...and maybe...buy them...and if you do then you are making a big change. One person. If you bought one flourescent light bulb it woud last you possibly years and every time you turn it on you will know that you are not emitting tons CO2 in the air, potentially making the world an even more horrible place to live in for the billions of people who are living below the poverty line all of the globe. Even if you aren't thinking about it, one action sets off a chain reaction.

P.S. Estimated potential $90 savings a year http://www.realsimple.com/realsimple/content/0,21770,1206333,00.html

At Least It's Clearer

The haze may lift, but that does not mean that it reveals an untangled mess. Thereis still a lot to work through, but at least it's clearer now. Maybe it can actually get somewhere.

oh so sleepy

i am pooped.

in the past 48 hours i have subsisted on 3 hours of sleep

Things Are Looking Up!

Or they will!

If you can't state the problem, then you can't find a solution for it.

Different issues have risen for me, and I couldn't understand where they were coming from. It turns out that they were spawning all from one issue. So now that I know what the problem is, I can finally do something about it.

And this week will soon be over for you Miss Les. Soon Soon Soon!

Oh Hell!

I have so much work to do I don't know when I'll get a chance to sleep. And thanks to Red Bull it might never happen.


Red Bull, I hate you.

Where's the problem?

My circumstances are incredible. Written on paper, I couldn't ask for more. They are ideal. So what's missing?

At some point I have to realize what's me and what's real. Aren't I real, though? So if something doesn't feel right, then something isn't right. But I might have to look elsewhere to find where the problem really is...

Until You

Everything was going well, and smoothely, like pieces of a puzzle, until you started feeling crazy and out of sorts; Now I'm crazy and out of sorts! Or did I start it?

Who's pointing fingers anyway!

Things are better... because I realize he doesn't mean to do anything; it's not a Guy-thing, it's a Gwenn-thing. More or less. So now that I know that it's something I have to do... I don't know what to do. Talk, learn to deal, make something happen...

Get your events settled down Miss Les so that mine will too! Please!

=)

chaos= my life

The next two days are going to be busy as hell. Rehearsals, lesson, reed class, and ASAP course for the weekend: two essays, read about 20 articles, journal, and a project...oh yea, and I have to compose a percussion piece. Oh Crap!!!

.*<><>**.....

Oh poop.

Sometimes I get ticked off. Anyway, after a little sleep at least thats gone.

Orion

David and I went to the Cincinnati Observatory last night to attend a class on the constellation Orion. It was a great class. I learned so much. And I think it was valuable because alot of the information I could have gotten off the internet, but what I learned from the class was how to use the information when you are actually staring at the night sky and trying to find the constellations. It also helped me visualize the depictions of the constellations better so that when I look at the sky I can see the stories. It was a great class. The only bad thing was that it was raining so we couldn't use the amazing telescopes they have there. But I totally intend on going back. If you have $5 in quarters laying around I highly recommend taking them to the Observatory, and they don't even mind! Actually...I didn'y even have quarters. I used nickels and dimes, and I even put in a shekel cause I ran out of quarters...oops...

I think....

it is time to practice my butt off!

Sour Cream Apple Pie

Rachel and I decided to bake a pie and watch season three of Northern Exposure.


























And it looked delicious. And I can promise you it was, is, and always will be.



RECIPE @ http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/recipe_views/views/13330

(Only I use 1 1/4 cups of suger for the filling...)

Oh Bloggers

So today I got all mixed up with the world of blogs and I was truly surprised at what I found.

Vibrant colors, tons of hot links, and just plain amazing blogs. People using amazing templates and getting rave reactions. Made me rethink how awesome this blog really is. It is awesome....to Gwenn and me that is.

But here are some blogs I just couldn't shake:

http://lenacorwin.blogspot.com/ http://rootmag.typepad.com/

http://flygirls.typepad.com/ http://featured.typepad.com/

http://lulublookerprize.typepad.com/

http://ohjoy.blogs.com/

and of course there are way too many more.....

An Artistic Mystery

This was my final project in my first studio. There was a lot about that year that was just a disappointment. But when you can see how beautiful those disappointments can be, it becomes simply precious.

How does this Hamas video make you feel?

So they don't plan to resolve issues diplomatically or through any sort of negotiation or reasonable pathways. They just plan to kill Israelis and their supporters. That sounds intelligent and reasonable to me. What about you?

Small print: I'm being sarcastic.

Ali G Show

New Developments in Darfur

Dear Reader,

I want to share some important news from Khartoum. New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson just released a joint statement with Sudanese President Omar Al-Bashir that, if implemented, would bring some immediate security and relief to the people of Darfur as well as provide a clear path forward to long-term peace in the region.


We asked Governor Richardson (pictured above) to travel to Sudan to discuss ways to secure peace in Darfur and to end the genocide. The Governor was accompanied by Save Darfur Senior International Coordinator Ambassador (ret.) Lawrence Rossin, Refugees International Executive Director Kenneth Bacon, and Public and International Law and Policy Group senior attorney Amjad Atallah. Since Sunday, when they arrived in Khartoum, Governor Richardson and the delegation have visited Darfur and participated in a variety of meetings with government officials, rebel leaders, humanitarian officials, AU commanders and UN officials.

The promises from President Bashir in this agreement are encouraging. They include commitments to:

A 60-day ceasefire with an international peace summit to be held before March 15, 2007.
Sudan's cooperation to work with the African Union and United Nations on the deployment of a hybrid peacekeeping force in Darfur.
Ensuring "zero tolerance" policies for gender-based violence in Darfur.
Free access for humanitarian aid workers and journalists.

Click here to read the full joint statement and the press release.
http://www.savedarfur.org/newsroom/releases/cease_fire_agreement_
offers_a_moment_of_opportunity_for_political_settlemen/

Your concerns for the people of Darfur were voiced directly to President Bashir by Governor Richardson and Ambassador Rossin. We believe that today's agreement offers a promising step forward to end this four-year nightmare for the people of Darfur. By no means, however, has the genocide ended.

We call urgently upon Sudan, the United Nations, the African Union, and the Bush Administration to make these promises become a reality for the long-suffering people of Darfur.

We must demand that the international community take advantage of this dramatic progress. Your help in this effort will be vital in the months ahead.

Thank you for your contribution to these new developments.

Best regards,

David Rubenstein
Save Darfur Coalition

Also see: http://www.governor.state.nm.us/press.php?id=338

Alicia de Larrocha

Jascha Heifetz

Sabine Meyer

Emma Johnson

Sharon Kam (m'Yisrael)

Bass Clarinet = Deep Sax

DARFUR. is happening right NOW.

More Websites about Genocide in Darfur:

http://www.ushmm.org/conscience/alert/darfur/steidle/?gclid=CNfUmY3w1IkCFQVYSAodxBqG2g

http://www.genocideintervention.net/index.php

http://www.darfurscores.org/

http://www.standnow.org/

http://hrw.org/reports/2004/sudan0504/

http://www.darfurisdying.com/

http://www.crisisgroup.org/home/index.cfm?id=3060&l=1#C2

http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/news/sudan.cfm

There are so many sites dedicated to Darfur. Why is it important to check out these sites? Because you can't keep ignoring it. That's what we do. We see these things on TV but then we keep eating dinner with our families and talking about our days. But just across the ocean there are people who can't eat dinner with their families. And if they did, can you imagine what they would say about their days? Genocide happening for not the first time in the last hundred years. And what is so much worse than the slaying of a people is the world's indifference to it. It's not to say that people don't care. Look at all the websites, and I didn't even post half of the ones I found. Not to mention articles about Darfur. But nothing is happening. For example, if in one month alone only 10 people at every liberal arts university became interested and started to send letters to state representatives, to congressmen, to our UN representatives that would be a total of 460 people a month just with Ohio's liberal arts colleges. Think about how much of a difference your voice really can make.

There is an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond about voting. Debra runs for a position in the PTA. Raymond ofcourse, selfishly tries to foil her plot to win by voting for the guy who brought buffalo wings. Debra lost by one or two votes. Ofcourse, Raymond has a big fat mouth and gives himself away. Debra gets pissed and it's a night in the doghouse for Raymond. There are consequences for voting and not voting. Your voice makes a difference. Use it. Use it right. A choir isn't made up of one person. It's made up of a group of one persons. You are the one person that may be the tipping point in convincing someone in our government to actually make a difference.

DANIEL.......

Is Almost Here!!!!!!!!!

We make Each other.

When you're happy, I'm happy.

When you have a bad day, I have a bad day.

When you find romance, I find romance.

When your romance turns into a douche bag, my romance flourishes into the love of my life.

Okay, my romance douche bags too...

(which is a really bad expression, come to think of it.)

All in all, my love, we're connected, something similar to sisters, I'd imagine. We make each other feel what either feels.

And I love it.

And I'm so happy you're happy!!!

Gwenn

It makes me happy when you are happy.

Gioachino Rossini (1792-1868)

What we already knew about Rossini:

He was born into an Italian music family (father was a horn player and mother was a singer) in the late 18th century. Right away little Rossini was thrown into the world of music. He learned harpsichord and couterpoint among many other things. At a very young age, Rossini went off to the Conservatory of Bologna. Early on, at least by the age of 18, Rossini began writing operas and they were well-liked. Tancerdi, written in 1813, was a huge hit. The opera is pretty much about forbidden love. At the end of a war between families, the father of one family offers the hand of his daughter to the other family but unbeknownst to either family she is secret engaged to Tancerdi, some soldier. And ofcourse, chaos insues and people die. The daughter is put in prison because she's a bad girl and Tancredi rushes off to a battle and is slain. And the daughter is married off to the other family. (Copy of the score http://www.dlib.indiana.edu/variations/scores/bhr1017/index.html) After Tancredi, Rossini continued to work and was hired as a musical director for two different theaters in Italy. He was paid well and in addition to his duties as director he was also required to produce at least one opera per year. His next huge success was in 1816, when Rossini completed the opera buffa The Barber of Seville. Opera buffa made it's way into opera permanently and in the ensuing years Rossini continued in his success and composed twenty more operas, concluding with William Tell. Ofcourse, Rossini composed in plenty of other genres other than opera such as sacred and chamber music, vocal music, cantatas and instrumental music.

What you didn't know:

At the age of 6 he played triangle in his daddy's band.
His daddy was a rebel and was sent to jail for welcoming Napolean when he invaded Italy back along time ago.
Was nicknamed "Monsier Crescendo" and "The Little German"
Could have retired when he was 32 years old. I think he kept composing till the end though...
He was quite a handful as a child.

Interesting links:
http://www.rossinioperafestival.it/
http://www.conservatoriorossini.it/default0.aspx
http://www.allposters.com/-st/Gioachino-Rossini-Posters_c1598_s53269_.htm

Karl Leister (video)

Mr. Karl Leister plays the last movement of C.M. Weber clarinetquintet with members of BPO (1990) Berliner Philarmonie.

Info on KL:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karl_Leister
http://www.arborweb.com/reviews/0503.karlleister-review.html
http://www.ruf.rice.edu/~musi/calendar/karl_leister.html
http://www.niu.edu/PubAffairs/RELEASES/2005/feb/clarinet.shtml

I'll send my SOS to the world

MAKE SOME NOISE!

http://action.savedarfur.org/campaign.jsp?campaign_KEY=5175

http://www.savedarfur.org/section/take_action

And if you're going to make some noise you might as well make a BIG RACKET!

Tzipur

Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away...

Actually it's cloudy outside. But it's Dear Sunday and while all the birds have abandoned their nests and flown off to little caves I have the entire world to myself. The entire empty world is all mine. Once a week I can traverse this hectic place without confusion or chaos. I can be almost completely isolated from the other birds chirping incessantly. I can go any which way I choose...and the day is peaceful...at the start.

Collide

The dawn is breaking.

A light shining through.

You're barely waking,

and I'm tangled up in you.

Yeah.

But I'm open, you're closed.

Where I follow, you'll go.

I worry I won't see your face

light up again.

Even the best fall down sometime.

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find you and I collide.

I'm quiet, you know.

You make a first impression.

I found I'm scared to know

I'm always on your mind.

Even the best fall down sometime.

Even the stars refuse to shine.

Out of the back you fall in time,

You somehow find you and I collide.

Don't stop here.

I lost my place.

I'm close behind.

Even the best fall down sometime.
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme.

Out of the doubt that fills your mind,

you finally find you and I collide.

Finally find...

you and I

collide.

-Howie Day

December's Rose

There sits an elderly couple behind me at this coffee shop. She reads him pieces from the newspaper that sparks her interest, and he asks her for words that stump him on his crossword puzzle. While sipping coffee, they simply share a part of their lives and interests together. Each other's company have been their world for however long... Their trials, their lessons, their lives have been each other's for however long. And to see them still sharing, still content, is as touching as a rose in December.

The Long..

Things happen. Your will is to accept them, to make the most of them, to learn from them, and to cherish them. But sometimes that is not enough. Sometimes you know it isn't through. You know something was missing, is missing... And sometimes you cannot do anything but wait. And long for it to unravel.

Tzion

Last night, even though I wasn't in Israel physically in my heart I passed through Zion Gate and prayed at the Kotel.













Walking through is so hectic and so exciting. Cars drive through, scraping against the walls of the gate as people scatter through. Lines of taxis impatiently waiting outside, and on Yom Shishi (yom katzar!) it's even more insane than you could ever imagine.




But once you step through security and you are upon the Kotel it takes your breath away and immediately you are flooded with a deep feeling of spirituality. For me, I was in awe and I couldn't wait to pray at the foot of the wall. You start far away and slowly inch your way up. Eventually you look up to get your barings and you can't believe how close you are to the wall. There are two black doves that always nestle in on of the huge crevices in the wall. There's barely enough room for them to fit. It seems like they are always there, maybe just to hear the prayers. Who knows.

And once you are right at the wall, you can see all the prayers that hold it up. And if you are me, you can't wait to kiss it with your lips. I miss the Kotel HaMaariv. I miss Yerushalaim.

Good news!!!!!!! I think I'm going back spring break in March to help restore areas devastated by ketusha rockets fired by hizbollah.

Drowning

Sometimes I feel so out of place or weird. And I also feel misunderstood. But after being at Mt. Hertzl and Yad Vashem it makes me feel so selfish and silly to complain at all. But the honest truth is that when it hurts it hurts.

I wish I wasn't me sometimes. But at the same time I like who I am. I just really hate my flaws. Some things I just can't help. Other people CAN help being mean or being assholes. Even with all my flaws I'm not mean and I don't take advantage of anyone's disadvantages. I always try to stick up for the low man on the totem pole. I try to be understanding. I try my hardest not to gossip, it's ugly and hurtful. I'm certainly not an asshole. And I am always trying to improve myself. I may have a lot of flaws. I may be quite the space cadet, but I honstly try my hardest not to space out. I just can't help it, but trust me, I try very hard to be here on earth and not out there in my thoughts. I know that I get crazy ideas in my head and get overly excited about things. But I'd rather be over enthusiastic about anything in life rather than dull and satisfied and unexcited about life at all. Sometimes I get shy or I have a hard time coming out of my shell. Sometimes I don't feel like saying anything. Or I don't know what to say. And I know some people, like you, Gwenn, think that "my version" isn't real and just in my head. And that's fine. But I disagree strongly. And it makes me feel bad that you feel that way. Because I always try to tell the truth and to imply that I don't really hurts. And you may have worded things differently, but all the same you said it. And I do not agree with you. And you don't have to agree with me. That's fine.

Right now I could really hate who I am, what with all the flaws I have, but why? I am hardworking, sweet, incredibly flawed, but always looking for friendship and understanding. I am totally a good friend. Always willing to help. And almost always willing to take advice and listen to what other people have to say. I try so hard to do the right things. Maybe I try too hard. Sometimes I even feel like the people who should be my friends are walking all over me cause maybe I'm too nice. There's not a whole lot wrong with me that I don't already acknowledge and try to fix and all the people who exploite my flaws, make caddy comments, try to hurt me, or constantly make me feel bad about myself can just shove it. So I have flaws! Ya know what, you do too. Not that the "you"s out there are ever gonna read this. C'est la vie...

It still felt good to rant.

School

It's a drag....

Actually it's not. I'm really looking forward to everything I'm going to learn. It's exciting. And I'm really excited about all my new friends. Hurray for that!

Gotta get moving!

I need to get into motion.I'm not sure how to kick it off though. I could be very meticulous and really plan it out or I could be spontanious and just dive in. Or I can slowly let unravel until its suddenly tomorrow. Or I could do nothing and just think about it.

I always either let it slowly unravel or dive in. I think it's about time I sat down. Evaluated things. Studied my life and the coming three months. And make some decisions. And get something done. I think it's about time. Time. time...time......time.....

P.S. Israeli Men are SO Hot...

I can't resist a hot Israeli with an uzi...I know. I know. But it's the truth.

Composedly.

I don't know what it is, but it feels like something is coming. Something might be different; something is happening, Composedly.

Suddenly I See..

It's simply amazing and delightful how everything in your life can change in the blink of an eye. Simply just that easy. It's incredible how stepping off a plane and walking through the gates of another city on the opposite side of the world can transform your life and the way you see it. It's amazing how one breath of air can make you feel so fresh and alive. It's insane how that one breath can make you feel like a different person. It's scary how one hello can change your life forever. It's simply indescribable.

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

~KT Tunstall

My Little Place

I have a little place that sits in the back window of my car... It stopped the people who were walking by. They paused, and watched it. Then other people came to join them, and they showed them that little place.
It's simply a red house, with a dock that leads to a river, with toothpick-ed faded trees surrounding the house.
I've reminded myself to throw the thing away dozens of times, but if it is going to bring people to a stop, then I might just keep it there.
It's my little place that sits in the back window of my car.

Journey Home

This was my first view of Jerusalem. We spent hours in JFK before we boarded our Israir flight. Then when we arrived in Israel we went through Israeli customs and had our passports stamped. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to get through the customs to have my stamp that said I was there. Finally!

I went through. Got stamped. The stamp was so light. Hardly discernable. But it was there! And I walked through and waited for my friends. I was so excited. We didn't go to our hotel or Jerusalem right away. We stopped in Jaffa to see Jaffa gate and Tel Aviv before going down the road to have lunch by the Mediteranean Sea. I was amazed. I stood at the scorpio point of the Wishing Bridge. And I can't remember what I wished for but I think in that moment I wished to be there forever. It was amazing. I was so amazed I don't think I was even in my body anymore. We saw Independence Hall and then we had a long drive to Jerusalem. Before we entered Jerusalem we stopped off at the edge of a mountain or cliff and looked over the Old City as the sun began to set. It was gorgious. I loved the beautiful sight. But I couldn't wait to be in it.

When we finally checked into Lev Yerushalaim I couldn't wait to see my room. It wasn't anything extraordinary but I loved it anyway. I could hear music outside and I went and opened my window. Right outside my window across from Ben Yehuda Street there was a giant chanukiah was men in a lift lighting the candles for the third night of Chanukah. So exciting. Not like in America where every street corner has a Christmas tree and the radio belts out songs of jungle bells, chestnuts, and Santa. I felt like I was at home. It was just amazing. It was like I knew right away that I wanted to be there forever.



This is Tzafat. One of the four holy cities of Israel. We stopped off here towards the end of our trip. We explored the old city, saw it's age, learned some stories, and helped aid in the rebuiding of a girls' school that had been wrecked by a ketusha rocket fired from the Lebanese border by Hizbollah. It was wonderful. We moved 40 tons of sand and rock in 37 minutes. The people on this trip were phenominal and it was really special to see us all work together to try to accomplish as much as possible as efficiently as we could in what time we had. I wish we could have done more. But I'm happy that I could have done anything at all.

Our Personal Israel.

Miss Lez,

I just wanted to address this situation that may or may not arise... all the same, at least it's out there.
From the way that you have been talking, and the way that I am now talking, it seems like we are going to have a rift between our outtakes on things that are happening. I am feeling like G-d is talking very strongly in my life right now, so most of what will happen to me I will give and wonder how the credit as/is His. And so it seems now that you are coming to terms that you don't give the credit to Him... You give it to life. And you make the most of it. And the beauty is in this world, and the good in people.
Well, no matter the rift, I still think that something unites us. I still think we feel like something is guiding us... something is there. And with your latest expedition to the Holy land, you've learned to respect other's beliefs and feelings. And I would believe that for that person, you would hope that what they believe in is real. but you're still aware of your own feelings.
Well darling, I'll do the same.
I want you to post on here whatever you want to post... and I will respect that they're your feelings and thoughts. and I will try to help in any way that I can.
Until then... update this stupid blogger so that I can access it more often. The bugger's tempermental.

There's Faith In The Heart

My dad called. It's good to hear from him... We don't enough (fill in the missing term with whatever you want- whatever it is, it isn't enough). He asked how my beau & I were. I told him. He said he was glad to see so much maturity in me... since I could recognize that we were better as friends. I guess his experiences with girls of my age were more shallow... or those girls didn't recognize what their hearts were really telling them. That's a reason why my mom is proud of me: I could recognize what my heart was saying vs. my head. Honestly, I'm proud of that myself. I'm also proud that I took the initiative to follow it.
It takes a lot of faith to follow your heart... faith that what you feel, what you believe in, is true. The faith that it will eventually be real for you.
I believe that I am able to recognize these feelings... and I hope that it fulfills a purpose. I hope that what I am meant for comes to be.

Inside & Out

Miss Les,
I can see a lot of her philosophy in yours. She's inspiring... and I think she says more for you than for me, but I fell for her all the same. She is simply beautiful... inside and out.

First Night!

This was my first night to serve a table! And I do believe that I looked like I knew exactly what I was doing... oh, if only they really knew. I try to call you. All the time; really. But I can't figure out how to make it go through! So I send you a prayer, instead. Sometimes, that might do the better good.
Sometimes I just want to talk to you.

Found Something Here.

I've thought about you and prayed for you; I hope you have found something here...

I wish you were here.

I miss you. Terribly. And I can't stand that I cannot talk to you. I can't talk to anyone now; not truly; not anymore. I feel more alone than I have felt in a long time.

You Aren't Hopeless

To give up something so wonderful for the hope of there being more...
No, For the faith that there is something you're meant for.
And sometimes you feel so certain, but the second the thought enters your head vulnerability kicks in and nothing is certain.
For feelings being so strong, they can't hold you up long when you slip.
While faith becomes so weak, it's hard to not give up.
It's hard to not give up on the knowledge that you really know what you are doing, or on the faith that tells you what is true, or on the hope that maybe you aren't hopeless.

This is Me.

Because everything around me is changing, he is changing for me the way I asked him to, and yet I have not. I still feel the same.

Cliff hanger

I asked Tall Wonder if it is like jumping off a cliff. One of those things that you just have to do because if you think about it then you will psych yourself out... He said, "Basically, You're just choosing your cliff"

There's no other way about it. No matter what you decide to do, you decide to do it. You make the leap... off the cliff that lands alone or with him.

The Best Days

I try to come up with reasons for things... but they're simply my interpretations. I don't know why things happen (until I do), and that's okay.

The two best days of your life are the day you are born and the day you realize why.

I AM SICK OF BEING SICK. GOD I HATE THIS. It's been three weeks. Today I thought I was going to collapse. All I do is practice and go to classes and study. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????? I just hate hate hate this. I hate being weak. It feels like shit. This is bullshit. It's so humiliating. I feel like I can't even help myself.


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There. I said it. Can I get better now?????

My Reply

Dear Gwenn,

Purple does suit you. All the colors do. You are multi-faceted. You are the embodiment of Whitman's essence.
I'm not sure how I feel about the other colors. I don't necessarily think of green as wisdom. I think green is fresh. Earth. Spring. Health. Green is a color you can swim in. Green is an ocean. It's a glint in your eye. Green is a time of day, a time of life. Green is infinite. It's always fresh...even when it's mashed and decaying. Every stage of green is intriguing. Red is so many things. It might be the most volatile color...the most soothing, corrupt, passionate, sensuous, sultry, and even perhaps tame.

I chose you. But something else made it stick. You could have rejected me. But you love me every bit as much as I love you. And I think that the best relationships are choices. An "I-Want-You" kind of choice. No matter what there's always going to be pieces of me with you. After 7-8 years, it's impossible not to have some sort of wierd infusion of the two of us. I certainly wouldn't be me if I hadn't met you.

You aren't just a light to Angel. You are a light to me, to your brother, to Jen, to many others. You've probably been a light to more people than you know. You have more worth than you are giving yourself credit for. And your life may not consist of one purpose, but probably many. In your lifetime, You'll see many different things. And looking forward, you can't warn yourself or adjust. When you come to those events that mark your life your actions will ultimately help create the person you will become. So, you saved a life, perhaps. Is it the last one? Is it the only one? NO. Don't be silly. There is plenty more to tackle out there. You want to be a light? Fight for Darfur. Stop genocide. Save the environment. Support research for renewable energies. Hold the government accountable. Vote. Feed the homeless. Listen to someone. Smile at someone. When you find a penny on the ground share it. Pay it forward. I don't know. What ever you do, it's completely your choice.

As for Angel's ingratefulness, I don't know what to say about it. I

To be continued....



Maybe.......

Thin Glass Shell

Gwenn- I'll reply to your letter. But not right now. I think it takes some thinking.
Here's how I feel about things in general right now. I'm questioning everything in my life. Not music. But all the other outer forces. Human nature, politics, government, religion, etc. For instance, with religion I feel like I'm standing on two different grounds. One foot is one one ground with Judiasm. My other foot is on the ground that questions theology and religion. I partly believe that people from the beginning of time have sought to answer all the questions. We have the propensity to think we should know the answers to all the questions. When you stand on the edge of a cliff (metaphorically of course) and you say is, "Anybody out there?" And even though you hear nothing there is still a god? What is god, really? Where did he come from? Why us? Why create? Are there Angels? A heaven a hell? Who came up with those ideas? Who died, came back, and wrote to us about these places? How can you know with out leaving this world? Do souls just die with us? Does it all stop? Could Jesus walk on water? Did Thetis really mother Achilles? Did she put him in the River Styx or did she annoint him with ambrosia and burn his mortal parts over a fire? Did Kind Priam love both sons equally? Was Pluto ever a planet? Is the sky reflecting the sea or is the sea reflecting the sky? Why are my eyes brown? Why did I get Bb genes instead of bb? Why did my mother's dominant allele win over my grandmother's negative allele for blue eyes? Why???? Why?????? Can you really answer those questions? Why should they even be answered? Does it matter?

So here is Marianne Moore and my favorite poem at the moment.

The Paper Nautilus

For authorities whose hopes

are shaped by mercenaries?

Writers entrapped by

teatime fame and by

commuters' comforts? Not for these

the paper nautilus

constructs her thin glass shell.



Giving her perishable

souvenir of hope, a dull

white outside and smooth-

edged inner surface

glossy as the sea, the watchful

maker of it guards it

day and night; she scarcely



eats until the eggs are hatched.

Buried eight-fold in her eight

arms, for she is in

a sense a devil-

fish, her glass ram'shorn-cradled freight

is hid but is not crushed;

as Hercules, bitten



by a crab loyal to the hydra,

was hindered to succeed,

the intensively

watched eggs coming from

the shell free it when they are freed,--

leaving its wasp-nest flaws

of white on white, and close-



laid Ionic chiton-folds

like the lines in the mane of

a Parthenon horse,

round which the arms had

wound themselves as if they knew love

is the only fortress

strong enough to trust to.

Connections

An intrguing analysis, Leslie, for purple means mystery, while green means wisdom, red is passion, and so on. I find it interesting that I have never been a claimed fan of purple, but purple has been a fan of me. It's the color that is chosen by others to work the best for me (like some shirts, and my glasses- may they rest in peace, wherever they are). I don't want to say this poorly, but I think that works with us. I would say that you chose me, and you work for me, while I would not claim to have chosen you. Does that make sense? For it didn't just happen- you made it happen. And it works.
I have your dream catcher and "quit work make music" car-scenter hanging on my rear-view mirror because they are what use to hang on yours. It reminds me of you... and I like carrying that piece of you around.

A revelation was brought to me today. I was more or less pondering my purpose in life... for I have always wanted to be a light to someone in this world, and I became one. With Angel. And I wondered if I have any more of a purpose... of course I do, but since my goal was created, what else was there for me? I was a light for Angel. I changed his life, and in a way, I might have saved it. But in return, he hurt me... after I had been so good to him. That's the same thing Israel, the world, all of us, has done to G-d. HE helped us, HE saved us, and then we turn on Him- Either by rebelling, or neglecting, or disobeying... I am grateful to be able to feel what G-d must feel. To know what G-d thinks... Especially if it is sad. For that's what teaches us.

Earth's Mysteries

I love October. I think that each month of the year has its own personality. And I think the same thing about colors. My mother gave me this really beautiful children's book when I was little. it had magificent art work. The book was about every color. And my favorite was purple. There was a picture of a woman, everything was in purple of course, and she was beautiful. Yet very mysterious. I think for me, purple is a color that holds a sweet secret.



Another thought: Our bodies were not meant to carry or hold dead weight. Or bodies are engineered for movement. The way our muscles connect. We aren't meant to stay still. Or be weighed down. Nothing is every completely still every particle of everything is technically just bouncing around. And that's why the world is constantly in a state of change. And I think that purple is the very little stillness that we detect, but it alludes you because it's not there long before it leaves. I think purple acn be majestic but deep. Purple can be pink, red, and blue. Purple is a mood. Purple isn't common. Purple is October. October is a mysterious month. There's Halloween and the Day of the Dead. October is when the leaves change, the wind grows cold, the moon is closer to the earth, and autumn takes hold. October is glorious, sweet, lonesome, and most of all a contradiction. October is warm and cold at the same time. It's simply mysterious.

Try To Remember (a Night in September)

"Try to rememberThe kind of SeptemberWhen life was slowAnd oh so mellow
Try to rememberThe kind of SeptemberWhen grass was greenAnd grain was yellow ... Deep in DecemberIt's nice to rememberThe fire of September That made us mellow
Deep in DecemberOur hearts should rememberAnd follow ... follow ... follow ..."

How am I?

The one to have last posted so long ago? since this is your site... Yet it says September 7th was the last update, so maybe I haven't seen the whole sight.

Dear Miss Leslie, I do wonder... what do we do to distract us so from once a common routine?

No One Knows...

... what's around the corner.
... where to go
or where it is going.


the way is lit by the shadow of the light.

questions flee and all seems right.


it's completely dark.
lost.

the best is still made..
at any cost?