Composedly.

I don't know what it is, but it feels like something is coming. Something might be different; something is happening, Composedly.

Suddenly I See..

It's simply amazing and delightful how everything in your life can change in the blink of an eye. Simply just that easy. It's incredible how stepping off a plane and walking through the gates of another city on the opposite side of the world can transform your life and the way you see it. It's amazing how one breath of air can make you feel so fresh and alive. It's insane how that one breath can make you feel like a different person. It's scary how one hello can change your life forever. It's simply indescribable.

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

~KT Tunstall

My Little Place

I have a little place that sits in the back window of my car... It stopped the people who were walking by. They paused, and watched it. Then other people came to join them, and they showed them that little place.
It's simply a red house, with a dock that leads to a river, with toothpick-ed faded trees surrounding the house.
I've reminded myself to throw the thing away dozens of times, but if it is going to bring people to a stop, then I might just keep it there.
It's my little place that sits in the back window of my car.

Journey Home

This was my first view of Jerusalem. We spent hours in JFK before we boarded our Israir flight. Then when we arrived in Israel we went through Israeli customs and had our passports stamped. I was so excited. I couldn't wait to get through the customs to have my stamp that said I was there. Finally!

I went through. Got stamped. The stamp was so light. Hardly discernable. But it was there! And I walked through and waited for my friends. I was so excited. We didn't go to our hotel or Jerusalem right away. We stopped in Jaffa to see Jaffa gate and Tel Aviv before going down the road to have lunch by the Mediteranean Sea. I was amazed. I stood at the scorpio point of the Wishing Bridge. And I can't remember what I wished for but I think in that moment I wished to be there forever. It was amazing. I was so amazed I don't think I was even in my body anymore. We saw Independence Hall and then we had a long drive to Jerusalem. Before we entered Jerusalem we stopped off at the edge of a mountain or cliff and looked over the Old City as the sun began to set. It was gorgious. I loved the beautiful sight. But I couldn't wait to be in it.

When we finally checked into Lev Yerushalaim I couldn't wait to see my room. It wasn't anything extraordinary but I loved it anyway. I could hear music outside and I went and opened my window. Right outside my window across from Ben Yehuda Street there was a giant chanukiah was men in a lift lighting the candles for the third night of Chanukah. So exciting. Not like in America where every street corner has a Christmas tree and the radio belts out songs of jungle bells, chestnuts, and Santa. I felt like I was at home. It was just amazing. It was like I knew right away that I wanted to be there forever.



This is Tzafat. One of the four holy cities of Israel. We stopped off here towards the end of our trip. We explored the old city, saw it's age, learned some stories, and helped aid in the rebuiding of a girls' school that had been wrecked by a ketusha rocket fired from the Lebanese border by Hizbollah. It was wonderful. We moved 40 tons of sand and rock in 37 minutes. The people on this trip were phenominal and it was really special to see us all work together to try to accomplish as much as possible as efficiently as we could in what time we had. I wish we could have done more. But I'm happy that I could have done anything at all.

Our Personal Israel.

Miss Lez,

I just wanted to address this situation that may or may not arise... all the same, at least it's out there.
From the way that you have been talking, and the way that I am now talking, it seems like we are going to have a rift between our outtakes on things that are happening. I am feeling like G-d is talking very strongly in my life right now, so most of what will happen to me I will give and wonder how the credit as/is His. And so it seems now that you are coming to terms that you don't give the credit to Him... You give it to life. And you make the most of it. And the beauty is in this world, and the good in people.
Well, no matter the rift, I still think that something unites us. I still think we feel like something is guiding us... something is there. And with your latest expedition to the Holy land, you've learned to respect other's beliefs and feelings. And I would believe that for that person, you would hope that what they believe in is real. but you're still aware of your own feelings.
Well darling, I'll do the same.
I want you to post on here whatever you want to post... and I will respect that they're your feelings and thoughts. and I will try to help in any way that I can.
Until then... update this stupid blogger so that I can access it more often. The bugger's tempermental.

There's Faith In The Heart

My dad called. It's good to hear from him... We don't enough (fill in the missing term with whatever you want- whatever it is, it isn't enough). He asked how my beau & I were. I told him. He said he was glad to see so much maturity in me... since I could recognize that we were better as friends. I guess his experiences with girls of my age were more shallow... or those girls didn't recognize what their hearts were really telling them. That's a reason why my mom is proud of me: I could recognize what my heart was saying vs. my head. Honestly, I'm proud of that myself. I'm also proud that I took the initiative to follow it.
It takes a lot of faith to follow your heart... faith that what you feel, what you believe in, is true. The faith that it will eventually be real for you.
I believe that I am able to recognize these feelings... and I hope that it fulfills a purpose. I hope that what I am meant for comes to be.

Inside & Out

Miss Les,
I can see a lot of her philosophy in yours. She's inspiring... and I think she says more for you than for me, but I fell for her all the same. She is simply beautiful... inside and out.

First Night!

This was my first night to serve a table! And I do believe that I looked like I knew exactly what I was doing... oh, if only they really knew. I try to call you. All the time; really. But I can't figure out how to make it go through! So I send you a prayer, instead. Sometimes, that might do the better good.
Sometimes I just want to talk to you.

Found Something Here.

I've thought about you and prayed for you; I hope you have found something here...

I wish you were here.

I miss you. Terribly. And I can't stand that I cannot talk to you. I can't talk to anyone now; not truly; not anymore. I feel more alone than I have felt in a long time.

You Aren't Hopeless

To give up something so wonderful for the hope of there being more...
No, For the faith that there is something you're meant for.
And sometimes you feel so certain, but the second the thought enters your head vulnerability kicks in and nothing is certain.
For feelings being so strong, they can't hold you up long when you slip.
While faith becomes so weak, it's hard to not give up.
It's hard to not give up on the knowledge that you really know what you are doing, or on the faith that tells you what is true, or on the hope that maybe you aren't hopeless.

This is Me.

Because everything around me is changing, he is changing for me the way I asked him to, and yet I have not. I still feel the same.

Cliff hanger

I asked Tall Wonder if it is like jumping off a cliff. One of those things that you just have to do because if you think about it then you will psych yourself out... He said, "Basically, You're just choosing your cliff"

There's no other way about it. No matter what you decide to do, you decide to do it. You make the leap... off the cliff that lands alone or with him.

The Best Days

I try to come up with reasons for things... but they're simply my interpretations. I don't know why things happen (until I do), and that's okay.

The two best days of your life are the day you are born and the day you realize why.

I AM SICK OF BEING SICK. GOD I HATE THIS. It's been three weeks. Today I thought I was going to collapse. All I do is practice and go to classes and study. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????? I just hate hate hate this. I hate being weak. It feels like shit. This is bullshit. It's so humiliating. I feel like I can't even help myself.


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There. I said it. Can I get better now?????

My Reply

Dear Gwenn,

Purple does suit you. All the colors do. You are multi-faceted. You are the embodiment of Whitman's essence.
I'm not sure how I feel about the other colors. I don't necessarily think of green as wisdom. I think green is fresh. Earth. Spring. Health. Green is a color you can swim in. Green is an ocean. It's a glint in your eye. Green is a time of day, a time of life. Green is infinite. It's always fresh...even when it's mashed and decaying. Every stage of green is intriguing. Red is so many things. It might be the most volatile color...the most soothing, corrupt, passionate, sensuous, sultry, and even perhaps tame.

I chose you. But something else made it stick. You could have rejected me. But you love me every bit as much as I love you. And I think that the best relationships are choices. An "I-Want-You" kind of choice. No matter what there's always going to be pieces of me with you. After 7-8 years, it's impossible not to have some sort of wierd infusion of the two of us. I certainly wouldn't be me if I hadn't met you.

You aren't just a light to Angel. You are a light to me, to your brother, to Jen, to many others. You've probably been a light to more people than you know. You have more worth than you are giving yourself credit for. And your life may not consist of one purpose, but probably many. In your lifetime, You'll see many different things. And looking forward, you can't warn yourself or adjust. When you come to those events that mark your life your actions will ultimately help create the person you will become. So, you saved a life, perhaps. Is it the last one? Is it the only one? NO. Don't be silly. There is plenty more to tackle out there. You want to be a light? Fight for Darfur. Stop genocide. Save the environment. Support research for renewable energies. Hold the government accountable. Vote. Feed the homeless. Listen to someone. Smile at someone. When you find a penny on the ground share it. Pay it forward. I don't know. What ever you do, it's completely your choice.

As for Angel's ingratefulness, I don't know what to say about it. I

To be continued....



Maybe.......

Thin Glass Shell

Gwenn- I'll reply to your letter. But not right now. I think it takes some thinking.
Here's how I feel about things in general right now. I'm questioning everything in my life. Not music. But all the other outer forces. Human nature, politics, government, religion, etc. For instance, with religion I feel like I'm standing on two different grounds. One foot is one one ground with Judiasm. My other foot is on the ground that questions theology and religion. I partly believe that people from the beginning of time have sought to answer all the questions. We have the propensity to think we should know the answers to all the questions. When you stand on the edge of a cliff (metaphorically of course) and you say is, "Anybody out there?" And even though you hear nothing there is still a god? What is god, really? Where did he come from? Why us? Why create? Are there Angels? A heaven a hell? Who came up with those ideas? Who died, came back, and wrote to us about these places? How can you know with out leaving this world? Do souls just die with us? Does it all stop? Could Jesus walk on water? Did Thetis really mother Achilles? Did she put him in the River Styx or did she annoint him with ambrosia and burn his mortal parts over a fire? Did Kind Priam love both sons equally? Was Pluto ever a planet? Is the sky reflecting the sea or is the sea reflecting the sky? Why are my eyes brown? Why did I get Bb genes instead of bb? Why did my mother's dominant allele win over my grandmother's negative allele for blue eyes? Why???? Why?????? Can you really answer those questions? Why should they even be answered? Does it matter?

So here is Marianne Moore and my favorite poem at the moment.

The Paper Nautilus

For authorities whose hopes

are shaped by mercenaries?

Writers entrapped by

teatime fame and by

commuters' comforts? Not for these

the paper nautilus

constructs her thin glass shell.



Giving her perishable

souvenir of hope, a dull

white outside and smooth-

edged inner surface

glossy as the sea, the watchful

maker of it guards it

day and night; she scarcely



eats until the eggs are hatched.

Buried eight-fold in her eight

arms, for she is in

a sense a devil-

fish, her glass ram'shorn-cradled freight

is hid but is not crushed;

as Hercules, bitten



by a crab loyal to the hydra,

was hindered to succeed,

the intensively

watched eggs coming from

the shell free it when they are freed,--

leaving its wasp-nest flaws

of white on white, and close-



laid Ionic chiton-folds

like the lines in the mane of

a Parthenon horse,

round which the arms had

wound themselves as if they knew love

is the only fortress

strong enough to trust to.

Connections

An intrguing analysis, Leslie, for purple means mystery, while green means wisdom, red is passion, and so on. I find it interesting that I have never been a claimed fan of purple, but purple has been a fan of me. It's the color that is chosen by others to work the best for me (like some shirts, and my glasses- may they rest in peace, wherever they are). I don't want to say this poorly, but I think that works with us. I would say that you chose me, and you work for me, while I would not claim to have chosen you. Does that make sense? For it didn't just happen- you made it happen. And it works.
I have your dream catcher and "quit work make music" car-scenter hanging on my rear-view mirror because they are what use to hang on yours. It reminds me of you... and I like carrying that piece of you around.

A revelation was brought to me today. I was more or less pondering my purpose in life... for I have always wanted to be a light to someone in this world, and I became one. With Angel. And I wondered if I have any more of a purpose... of course I do, but since my goal was created, what else was there for me? I was a light for Angel. I changed his life, and in a way, I might have saved it. But in return, he hurt me... after I had been so good to him. That's the same thing Israel, the world, all of us, has done to G-d. HE helped us, HE saved us, and then we turn on Him- Either by rebelling, or neglecting, or disobeying... I am grateful to be able to feel what G-d must feel. To know what G-d thinks... Especially if it is sad. For that's what teaches us.

Earth's Mysteries

I love October. I think that each month of the year has its own personality. And I think the same thing about colors. My mother gave me this really beautiful children's book when I was little. it had magificent art work. The book was about every color. And my favorite was purple. There was a picture of a woman, everything was in purple of course, and she was beautiful. Yet very mysterious. I think for me, purple is a color that holds a sweet secret.



Another thought: Our bodies were not meant to carry or hold dead weight. Or bodies are engineered for movement. The way our muscles connect. We aren't meant to stay still. Or be weighed down. Nothing is every completely still every particle of everything is technically just bouncing around. And that's why the world is constantly in a state of change. And I think that purple is the very little stillness that we detect, but it alludes you because it's not there long before it leaves. I think purple acn be majestic but deep. Purple can be pink, red, and blue. Purple is a mood. Purple isn't common. Purple is October. October is a mysterious month. There's Halloween and the Day of the Dead. October is when the leaves change, the wind grows cold, the moon is closer to the earth, and autumn takes hold. October is glorious, sweet, lonesome, and most of all a contradiction. October is warm and cold at the same time. It's simply mysterious.

Try To Remember (a Night in September)

"Try to rememberThe kind of SeptemberWhen life was slowAnd oh so mellow
Try to rememberThe kind of SeptemberWhen grass was greenAnd grain was yellow ... Deep in DecemberIt's nice to rememberThe fire of September That made us mellow
Deep in DecemberOur hearts should rememberAnd follow ... follow ... follow ..."