I AM SICK OF BEING SICK. GOD I HATE THIS. It's been three weeks. Today I thought I was going to collapse. All I do is practice and go to classes and study. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO????? I just hate hate hate this. I hate being weak. It feels like shit. This is bullshit. It's so humiliating. I feel like I can't even help myself.


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There. I said it. Can I get better now?????

My Reply

Dear Gwenn,

Purple does suit you. All the colors do. You are multi-faceted. You are the embodiment of Whitman's essence.
I'm not sure how I feel about the other colors. I don't necessarily think of green as wisdom. I think green is fresh. Earth. Spring. Health. Green is a color you can swim in. Green is an ocean. It's a glint in your eye. Green is a time of day, a time of life. Green is infinite. It's always fresh...even when it's mashed and decaying. Every stage of green is intriguing. Red is so many things. It might be the most volatile color...the most soothing, corrupt, passionate, sensuous, sultry, and even perhaps tame.

I chose you. But something else made it stick. You could have rejected me. But you love me every bit as much as I love you. And I think that the best relationships are choices. An "I-Want-You" kind of choice. No matter what there's always going to be pieces of me with you. After 7-8 years, it's impossible not to have some sort of wierd infusion of the two of us. I certainly wouldn't be me if I hadn't met you.

You aren't just a light to Angel. You are a light to me, to your brother, to Jen, to many others. You've probably been a light to more people than you know. You have more worth than you are giving yourself credit for. And your life may not consist of one purpose, but probably many. In your lifetime, You'll see many different things. And looking forward, you can't warn yourself or adjust. When you come to those events that mark your life your actions will ultimately help create the person you will become. So, you saved a life, perhaps. Is it the last one? Is it the only one? NO. Don't be silly. There is plenty more to tackle out there. You want to be a light? Fight for Darfur. Stop genocide. Save the environment. Support research for renewable energies. Hold the government accountable. Vote. Feed the homeless. Listen to someone. Smile at someone. When you find a penny on the ground share it. Pay it forward. I don't know. What ever you do, it's completely your choice.

As for Angel's ingratefulness, I don't know what to say about it. I

To be continued....



Maybe.......

Thin Glass Shell

Gwenn- I'll reply to your letter. But not right now. I think it takes some thinking.
Here's how I feel about things in general right now. I'm questioning everything in my life. Not music. But all the other outer forces. Human nature, politics, government, religion, etc. For instance, with religion I feel like I'm standing on two different grounds. One foot is one one ground with Judiasm. My other foot is on the ground that questions theology and religion. I partly believe that people from the beginning of time have sought to answer all the questions. We have the propensity to think we should know the answers to all the questions. When you stand on the edge of a cliff (metaphorically of course) and you say is, "Anybody out there?" And even though you hear nothing there is still a god? What is god, really? Where did he come from? Why us? Why create? Are there Angels? A heaven a hell? Who came up with those ideas? Who died, came back, and wrote to us about these places? How can you know with out leaving this world? Do souls just die with us? Does it all stop? Could Jesus walk on water? Did Thetis really mother Achilles? Did she put him in the River Styx or did she annoint him with ambrosia and burn his mortal parts over a fire? Did Kind Priam love both sons equally? Was Pluto ever a planet? Is the sky reflecting the sea or is the sea reflecting the sky? Why are my eyes brown? Why did I get Bb genes instead of bb? Why did my mother's dominant allele win over my grandmother's negative allele for blue eyes? Why???? Why?????? Can you really answer those questions? Why should they even be answered? Does it matter?

So here is Marianne Moore and my favorite poem at the moment.

The Paper Nautilus

For authorities whose hopes

are shaped by mercenaries?

Writers entrapped by

teatime fame and by

commuters' comforts? Not for these

the paper nautilus

constructs her thin glass shell.



Giving her perishable

souvenir of hope, a dull

white outside and smooth-

edged inner surface

glossy as the sea, the watchful

maker of it guards it

day and night; she scarcely



eats until the eggs are hatched.

Buried eight-fold in her eight

arms, for she is in

a sense a devil-

fish, her glass ram'shorn-cradled freight

is hid but is not crushed;

as Hercules, bitten



by a crab loyal to the hydra,

was hindered to succeed,

the intensively

watched eggs coming from

the shell free it when they are freed,--

leaving its wasp-nest flaws

of white on white, and close-



laid Ionic chiton-folds

like the lines in the mane of

a Parthenon horse,

round which the arms had

wound themselves as if they knew love

is the only fortress

strong enough to trust to.

Connections

An intrguing analysis, Leslie, for purple means mystery, while green means wisdom, red is passion, and so on. I find it interesting that I have never been a claimed fan of purple, but purple has been a fan of me. It's the color that is chosen by others to work the best for me (like some shirts, and my glasses- may they rest in peace, wherever they are). I don't want to say this poorly, but I think that works with us. I would say that you chose me, and you work for me, while I would not claim to have chosen you. Does that make sense? For it didn't just happen- you made it happen. And it works.
I have your dream catcher and "quit work make music" car-scenter hanging on my rear-view mirror because they are what use to hang on yours. It reminds me of you... and I like carrying that piece of you around.

A revelation was brought to me today. I was more or less pondering my purpose in life... for I have always wanted to be a light to someone in this world, and I became one. With Angel. And I wondered if I have any more of a purpose... of course I do, but since my goal was created, what else was there for me? I was a light for Angel. I changed his life, and in a way, I might have saved it. But in return, he hurt me... after I had been so good to him. That's the same thing Israel, the world, all of us, has done to G-d. HE helped us, HE saved us, and then we turn on Him- Either by rebelling, or neglecting, or disobeying... I am grateful to be able to feel what G-d must feel. To know what G-d thinks... Especially if it is sad. For that's what teaches us.

Earth's Mysteries

I love October. I think that each month of the year has its own personality. And I think the same thing about colors. My mother gave me this really beautiful children's book when I was little. it had magificent art work. The book was about every color. And my favorite was purple. There was a picture of a woman, everything was in purple of course, and she was beautiful. Yet very mysterious. I think for me, purple is a color that holds a sweet secret.



Another thought: Our bodies were not meant to carry or hold dead weight. Or bodies are engineered for movement. The way our muscles connect. We aren't meant to stay still. Or be weighed down. Nothing is every completely still every particle of everything is technically just bouncing around. And that's why the world is constantly in a state of change. And I think that purple is the very little stillness that we detect, but it alludes you because it's not there long before it leaves. I think purple acn be majestic but deep. Purple can be pink, red, and blue. Purple is a mood. Purple isn't common. Purple is October. October is a mysterious month. There's Halloween and the Day of the Dead. October is when the leaves change, the wind grows cold, the moon is closer to the earth, and autumn takes hold. October is glorious, sweet, lonesome, and most of all a contradiction. October is warm and cold at the same time. It's simply mysterious.

Try To Remember (a Night in September)

"Try to rememberThe kind of SeptemberWhen life was slowAnd oh so mellow
Try to rememberThe kind of SeptemberWhen grass was greenAnd grain was yellow ... Deep in DecemberIt's nice to rememberThe fire of September That made us mellow
Deep in DecemberOur hearts should rememberAnd follow ... follow ... follow ..."