Sometimes I feel so out of place or weird. And I also feel misunderstood. But after being at Mt. Hertzl and Yad Vashem it makes me feel so selfish and silly to complain at all. But the honest truth is that when it hurts it hurts.
I wish I wasn't me sometimes. But at the same time I like who I am. I just really hate my flaws. Some things I just can't help. Other people CAN help being mean or being assholes. Even with all my flaws I'm not mean and I don't take advantage of anyone's disadvantages. I always try to stick up for the low man on the totem pole. I try to be understanding. I try my hardest not to gossip, it's ugly and hurtful. I'm certainly not an asshole. And I am always trying to improve myself. I may have a lot of flaws. I may be quite the space cadet, but I honstly try my hardest not to space out. I just can't help it, but trust me, I try very hard to be here on earth and not out there in my thoughts. I know that I get crazy ideas in my head and get overly excited about things. But I'd rather be over enthusiastic about anything in life rather than dull and satisfied and unexcited about life at all. Sometimes I get shy or I have a hard time coming out of my shell. Sometimes I don't feel like saying anything. Or I don't know what to say. And I know some people, like you, Gwenn, think that "my version" isn't real and just in my head. And that's fine. But I disagree strongly. And it makes me feel bad that you feel that way. Because I always try to tell the truth and to imply that I don't really hurts. And you may have worded things differently, but all the same you said it. And I do not agree with you. And you don't have to agree with me. That's fine.
Right now I could really hate who I am, what with all the flaws I have, but why? I am hardworking, sweet, incredibly flawed, but always looking for friendship and understanding. I am totally a good friend. Always willing to help. And almost always willing to take advice and listen to what other people have to say. I try so hard to do the right things. Maybe I try too hard. Sometimes I even feel like the people who should be my friends are walking all over me cause maybe I'm too nice. There's not a whole lot wrong with me that I don't already acknowledge and try to fix and all the people who exploite my flaws, make caddy comments, try to hurt me, or constantly make me feel bad about myself can just shove it. So I have flaws! Ya know what, you do too. Not that the "you"s out there are ever gonna read this. C'est la vie...
It still felt good to rant.
2 comments:
Agreeing to disagree- that's what we do all the time; it's what we have to do =) no worries there; but I must say, I meant no implication about you not telling the truth. You are always honest and truthful and sincere.
not that I need to say it again... I just feel like need to. I meant that you perceive the event differently. And if you disagree that you see things differently than other people, that you don't see the world in a special way- a different light, that you don't see the honest qualities in people, that you don't feel their goodness or badness, that you don't find joy and beauty in all things, then fine. But that's what I see you do.
thanks babe. i heard it differently. i'm sorry. love you though! know you love me. i wish i wasn't so sensative. and i can try all i want. but i can't change that. i can ignore it. but that doesn't mean it's not there. i just can't stop feeling however i feel. people tell me i'm too sensative but thats just something i can't change. i hate that. but there are just somethings you have to live with. and i am one of them :P
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